


The Force Won't Save You Now

by paynesgrey



Series: Crazy Crossovers: Snippets of Fandoms Colliding [6]
Category: Doctor Who (2005), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Community: hc_bingo, Crack, Crossover, F/M, Humor, Technobabble, Utter Nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-02 22:19:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14554746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paynesgrey/pseuds/paynesgrey
Summary: There is one person in the entire galaxy that Supreme Leader Kylo Ren should not cross. Her name is River Song.





	The Force Won't Save You Now

**Author's Note:**

> Crossover. Takes place after The Last Jedi and sometime within River Song's Big Finish timeline. Written for hc_bingo 's April Amnesty Challenge. Written quickly so all mistakes are my own.

Supreme Leader Kylo Ren looked out the view screen to the inky black space and reveled in his reach of power. The Resistance had puttered out, and the remaining members had scattered, keeping a low profile since their hope in Luke Skywalker had died. His mother had gone into hiding as well, and despite the raging vengeance of General Hux, Kylo Ren decided to let the stragglers be and focus on their strength in unifying the galaxy.

Times had been quiet and peaceful since then. Under his rule, The First Order had brought the majority of systems under a passive compliance, and only a few random skirmishes had needed his upper hand, and he was more than happy to personally deal with them.

After all, he didn’t want to get too bored, and if it meant stealing General Hux’s thunder, he was all the more willing to take the charge.

Yet, boredom was the key word here. Even his link with Rey had been excruciatingly silent lately. The more he reached out to her, he realized that their link was now arbitrary, unlike before when it was random. He attributed this to Snoke being dead and unable to manipulate their circumstances.

Things were still quiet, and Kylo Ren’s rule was taken a lot better than the Resistance had imagined. He knew that General Hux wanted to do more - incite more fear, terrorize more underprivileged citizens and steal and strip more resources from compliant territories, yet Kylo Ren didn’t have the stomach for it.

He’d mildly expected his lax rulership to give some people the idea of challenging the First Order. In fact he welcomed it; anything to get out of this boredom.

He heard the door chime outside his throne room, and he allowed the intrusion. A courier came forward, and he felt a wave of fear around the man, as well as a thin presentation of calm. His subordinates were smart enough to still respect his power, but calm to the degree that he hadn’t throne someone across the room in awhile.

Well, save for Hux, but he usually deserved it for his constant annoyance.

“Supreme Leader, we have received transmissions that the First Order’s rule a few colonies in the Kamino system are being usurped by another power. This usurper is said to possess strange, advanced technology and devious ingenuity. General Hux has started to gather a force to visit the system to crush this audacious resistance.”

Kylo Ren did not turn back to him, but saw the officer in the reflection of his screen. He smirked. “Belay that order from General Hux, Major Kem. I believe I will take some troopers and deal with this situation on my own.” He tried not to sound too elated. He’d been craving some action lately, and with no word from Rey, he couldn’t even be satisfied by her traded barbs and looks of loathing.

“As you wish, sir,” he said, and his voice trailed off. Kylo Ren suspected that his Major didn’t want to break the news to General Hux and provoke his usual ire.

Oh well, Kylo Ren was feeling generous today. He’d rather see the General’s reaction himself.

“I will tell General Hux myself, Major Kem. No need to disturb the General with this. Return to your duties,” he ordered, and he could see the relief watch over the Major’s face. The major bowed low.

“Yes, sir!” he said. Kylo Ren turned to follow the major out the door and noticed the calm aura around him intensify. He was pleased. He would rather foster loyalties with officers like Kem rather than placate Hux. 

Kylo Ren met General Hux at the docking bay where he had a small force ready to disembark. Hux noticed Kylo coming toward him and frowned for a second before rigidly standing attention.

“Supreme Leader, I did not expect you to see us off,” he said.

Kylo Ren waved a hand. “I came to lead this mission, General. You can remain on the Star Destroyer and take over leadership. I will take care of us this minor disturbance myself.”

Kylo Ren met Hux’s eyes intently as the General began to object. Kylo Ren lifted his chin, waiting for his whining and disobedience. He didn’t know why he kept him around sometimes. Amusement?

“Sir, if you would let me accompany you…or take this on myself,” Hux said, choosing his words carefully. “You needn’t trouble yourself with these minor skirmishes.”

“I disagree, General,” Kylo Ren countered. “Clearly this usurping presence does not know the true reputation of the Order. Let me educate them and prevent any further uprising like this in this system.”

“But, Supreme Leader, if you will only…” Kylo Ren held his gloved hand up and Hux’s mouth went shut and he could feel his general’s whole body tense, ready for whatever attack Kylo Ren was in the mood to give him.

“Say no more,” he said, and Kylo Ren put his new helmet on, similar to the design of his old one, and joined the troopers on the awaiting command shuttle “I trust you’ll take good care of things here and notify me as always if you see anything come up about the Resistance.” (Or Rey, he wanted to say, but he decided against it. That was one mystery he’d have to solve on his own. Someday.)  
The command shuttle door closed behind him, and he heard his favorite reply from General Hux. 

Silence.

\----

 

 

The Upsilon-class command shuttle came out of hyperspace into the Kamino system like a foreboding black dragon. They approached the planet in the system where the rebellion had started, and where the usurper was surely creating their stronghold.

“Supreme Leader, we’re approaching the planet now. We’re picking up a transmission emitting from the surface on loop.”

“What is it?” he asked them. In seconds, the helmsman had opened the channel and played it through the entire bridge. A female’s voice filled his ears. She sounded cocky and in control.

_“Hello, Sweetie. Hello, Sweetie. Hello -”_

“End transmission,” Kylo Ren barked, and quiet, normal mechanical sounds filled his ears with peace again. What the hell was that? And why was it on loop? It sounded like the usurper was mocking him.

“Prepare us for landing on the surface near the source of that transmission,” Kylo Ren said. He didn’t like that someone had the gall to mock the First Order like that, but he couldn’t help but feel elated that he was going to finally see some action. 

It will feel good to crush this usurper under my boot, he thought.

He watched the crew busy themselves to prepare his ship for landing. He looked ahead and clasped his hands behind his back. He stared out of the main viewscreen and waited for the fight.

\--

 

River Song did not want to be here. She didn’t even know where here was about a week ago, but something told her she wasn’t in her universe anymore. Not one that she recognized.

This was what she got for fiddling with Time Agent tech. What rubbish! She was just trying to make a few modifications to an older vortex manipulator she lifted off a major in the armed forces of the church. She knew that it was in bad order when she acquired the piece, but she was more than confident she could fix it.

She just didn’t know a malfunction would send her to the literal middle of nowhere in the galaxy.

At least the locals had been nice. Well, they had been after she’d outsmarted all of them, quashed their ridiculous police forces and liberated a few of the lower class citizens from slavery. All in a day’s work for River Song!

Now they were pronouncing her their governor or something, and she didn’t have the heart to tell them that she wouldn’t be here long. She’d already sent out multiple distress calls as well as a hypercube in hopes her husband would give her a lift. 

That was if she couldn’t get this vortex manipulator to work. She had hoped some of the technology she salvaged here in this galaxy would at least help her out. So far she’d added other features to the device, but no sure way to see if she could get home - or at least a place she could recognize. For now, the vortex manipulator was only allowing her to teleport through time and places on this planet. She hadn’t been able to repair the range on it yet, let alone fixing it to allow her to go through other time vortices. 

So she had to keep trying, even if that meant sending her adoring new fans off to bring her more tech to salvage as well as any other supplies she needed.

She didn’t expect the higher authority to get here so quickly, however. She knew eventually this so-called First Order would come and give her a good tongue-lashing for liberating their colonies. She did think she’d be long gone though.

News traveled fast. A huge, menacing looking starship shaped like a starling came out of the sky and landing in front of the huge mansion she was borrowing. Of course, she was polite, so she met her new visitors with a friendly smile.

A small convoy of boring looking white-metal clad soldiers clamored down the shuttle bay ramp and circled around her. They waited with weapons as their leader, an obvious bad guy in black marched down the ramp as his lackeys gave him a wide berth.

River wanted to visibly yawn. Instead, her smile intensified. She was glad she re-applied her lipstick. This bloke looked important, so she had to be at her best.

“Greetings to the planet Melody,” she told the dark-capped chap in a mask. The mask was supposed to make him look frightening she was sure. To River, he looked like a medieval adolescent squire playing dress up as a knight.

“You renamed the planet. How creative of you,” he said, his voice echoing through his mask. River almost laughed. He even sounded puerile. “I am Supreme Leader Kylo Ren of the First Order. I have come to arrest you for your resistance and crimes against the Order. This galaxy is under my command.”

“Apparently not a good command. It was so easy to take this planet over,” she said. “Listen, I’m going to be frank. I’m not planning on staying. I just needed a little help from the locals to repair my ship. I encountered such rude hospitality from the authorities that I must have accidentally overthrown the government. I would say I’m sorry but...I’d say it was more of a criticism of your overall leadership. You really oughta take better care of your galaxies, Supreme Leader.” 

She couldn’t tell if he was angry under that mask, but River could feel it. She tapped at the vortex manipulator around her wrist. Even if it only transported her somewhere else on this planet, she could at least escape him if she wanted to. Especially if he ordered his troops to open fire on her. 

From the rumors from the locals, River Song was prepared for this Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, in any case. His reputation was stark. He was known to be ruthless, overbearing, and unpredictable. He employed an even more violent General at his side that was known to be psychotic. And then there were the rumors about Kylo Ren’s power…

He raised his gloved hand and River gasped. A constricting force had closed over her throat and lifted her feet off the ground. Well, there was that infamous power, she thought quickly as she concentrating on breathing. She found her center, and then reached down and searched for a certain button on her vortex manipulator.

“Your time is up, usurper. You will become a prisoner of the First Order. But first, I must show these local citizens an example of what it’s like to cross me,” he told her.

“Fair…” she choked out, feeling her head becoming light. She had to stay awake. She had to find that one command on her device.

When she did, it beeped and relief washed over her. She landed on her feet, and she felt an uncomfortable buzz cocoon around her. 

Kylo Ren saw he lost his power over her and his body tensed. “What did you do?”

River fluffed her hair and laughed. “Oh that. Look, your reputation is well known around here, and in the chance I’d get the pleasure of meeting you, I not only have been trying to find a way home, but also how I could possibly defend myself from a spiritual Force user.”

River smiled, happy with herself. Kylo Ren drew his hand back, but he nodded to his soldiers to fire on her. Soon, she was hit with an onslaught of laser blasts. The blasts, however, just seemed to bounce off her like benign rays of light.

“What are you doing? Are you even here?” he wondered, implying she might be a hologram or simulation.

“Oh, I assure you I’m real,” River said. “I’m also generating a sonic temporal field around me, if you must know. Since your Force power is all cerebral anyway, my device can determine your brain waves and fortify the field in and out of time so that I’m here - like a feedback loop, but then sometimes I’m not here. I’m piggybacking power from my sonic trowel as well, just to give it a boost. Inadvertently, as I paired my wrist device and my trowel, it has not only created a temporal shield around me, but it has also reversed the polarity of the flow of your blasters. Thus rendering them nothing more than toys.”

“This technology is unheard of,” Kylo Ren said. 

 

“Probably here, but in my galaxy and time, it’s nothing more than a bit of hacking and merging of Time Agent tech, as well as some Gallifreyan application protocol integration. Everything runs on third party processes lately! Still it’s a bit shoddy. It still can’t get me home,” she said. “Now… what to do about you?” She raised her blaster and shot at the troopers circling her, incapacitating them one by one as their blasters still had no effect on her temporal field. Her feedback loop turned their own released energy back at them, stunning them all and leaving Kylo Ren alone with her.

“Now then, that’s better odds,” she said. When he removed his helmet to face her, she noticed his long, yet youth face. His dark eyes were like violent thunderstorms, and his frown come from many tragedies. The scar on his face was red and looked deep; though, he had tried to repair it, it looked as though he also wore it with pride and love.

“If what you say is true, that you just want to leave this place, I suggest you rescind your rule and be gone,” he said. 

“I rescind it! Gladly, but I cannot get home yet,” she answered with a sigh. “So I think I’ll keep the resources and tech from this planet until I can.”

He glared at her. “Your force field will not keep back the Force forever. You are still weak without it. I will find a way to exploit your weakness and stop you.”

River laughed. “You really have a way with the ladies, don’t you, Supreme Leader?” His lip curled at her mocking. She slowly approached him, a wide smile still on her face. She watched as a bead of sweat trickled down over his scar.

The closer she got to him, the more uncomfortable he became. Good, she thought. It meant her temporal feedback field was working. 

“You know, I really hate bullies. I haven’t been in this star system long, but something tells me you’re one of the worst,” she said. “I think before I go, I need to teach you some manners, Supreme Leader.”

He was visibly shaking under her gaze.

“Stop fighting it. You cannot use the Force right now,” she said. “Shh…” She came closer, and he looked like he was going to fall to his knees. 

“How are you doing this?” he asked her. It was a struggle for him just to find the words. 

She invaded his personal space and caressed his scar, feeling as though she could see the story in it. It was caused by a woman, a woman he both loved and hated. His story was all too familiar to her.

“Now, Supreme Leader,” River said. “It’s time for your lesson.” He closed his eyes when she kissed him. 

Then, she watched him fall to the ground, his mind falling into the darkness of space.

\--

When Kylo Ren woke, he was bound and the infernal buzzing agony that he felt before was assaulting his sense at full force again. He couldn’t access the Force, and he reached out and grasped at strings of lose energy, flickering in and out like whizzing fireflies.

Not only was he bound, but he was also draped against something soft, and to his horror, he realized her was positioned over someone’s lap.

“Hello, sweetie.” And the vile woman he thought he had dreamed was there, mocking him with her voice, smile and infernal technology that inhibited him like nothing more than a weakling.

“You!” he barked at her, and the buzzing was so stark in his ears that his head felt like it was in a vice. The Force still eluded his grasp, and he almost felt lightheaded by some kind of drug when within her presence.

“Yes, me,” she said.

“Who are you?” he spat at her, struggling to get out of her lap. To his dismay, she had him tied up pretty well. He fought with the metal shackles that had bound his hands behind his back.

“My name is River Song. Not that it matters. I won’t be here long. I believe my ride is coming for me,” she said happily. “But before I go, I did promise you a lesson. You are a selfish, megalomaniac, Supreme Leader. And a bully. No wonder that girl left you.” She snorted, and he gasped when she said it, groaning with fury. “I knew it. There was a girl!”

“Whatever you’re going to do, get on with it and get out of my sight. If I manage to get free, I will kill you and make an example of you,” he seethed at her.

She yawned. “You are so tedious,” she said. Kylo Ren was ready to let go more filthy insults on her, but then he felt a crack. He stopped still, unsure if he really could believe what just happened.

This horrid River Song had pulled down his pants and cracked her hand against his naked backside. He started to squirm and shift in her lap unsuccessfully. When she left he had to destroy video of this. If Hux ever saw this, he’d never live it down.

She spanked him again, and he roared. “You stupid, vile…” She cracked him a few times and he screamed out in rage, wishing he could slam and tear through her. 

Suddenly she stopped, and he felt relief, wishing his backside wasn’t as cold and sore. He couldn’t wait for her to leave.

Then he heard a peculiar sound, like the airlock being blown out, winds and energy shifting around him and becoming stronger. He’d never heard or felt anything like it.

“Ah, that’s my ride!” River Song said happily. He felt her shift him, and she stood up in a quick motion, leaving him defenseless to fall on his face on the floor. He groaned as he tasted blood on his bitten lip.

“You vile woman! If I see you again, you will die! I will destroy you!” he shouted, twisting to free him of her restraints. He watched her footsteps as she left him, and the farther she was from him, the more he could feel the Force again. Soon he’d be free.

“Oh, sweetie, you will not see me again. And even if you do, I have one piece of advice for our next encounter,” she said. He’d moved and shifted himself to sit on his bottom and face her. He glared as she grinned. “If we cross paths again, I suggest you run.”

He watched as she walked toward a strange blue box. The door opened for her and she gave him one last backward glance before disappearing inside. 

The moment Kylo Ren had full control of the Force again, the strange blue vehicle with the mad woman had faded before him, that weird, otherworldly sound an echo in his ears.

“Computer, destroy all video footage of today’s encounter. Please log as the situation resolved, authorization Supreme Leader Kylo Ren,” he said. The computer complied with his commands and modifications of the event.

His troopers were back on board his shuttle, waking up as well and going back to their duties. He gave them some orders, informed them that woman was now gone, and they would restore order to the colonies she’d infiltrated before they left, just to make sure the citizens knew that the First Order was in charge again.

Later, in his chambers on the way back to their Star Destroyer ship, Kylo Ren brooded over the encounter and continued to log in his version of the story. 

“And one more thing, computer, make sure to note in the logs that if anyone hears or crosses this River Song again to proceed with the utmost caution. She is a danger, a menace and an enemy of the First Order,” he said. “And if anyone is in close proximity of this woman, the best course of action is to avoid her.”

“And run.”

 

The END


End file.
